FIClet: Moment of Innocence (7+)

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Title: Moment of Innocence
Author: Me
Pairing: BJ/Hawkeye
Rating: 7+
Disclaimer: Nope, don’t own anything. Don’t sue … no money.
Archive: Anywhere, just let me know.
Feedback: Would be appreciated - good or bad.
Summary: Follow-up to *the scene* from Period of Adjustment - which means minor spoilers for the episode.

A/N: Answer to the 10-minute fic line ‘It started so innocently’. I’m not real thrilled about this one, and I’ll probably re-work it somehow. But here you go!


Moment of Innocence

Comments

[nakeisha.livejournal.com]

Emotional, moving and very in character.

Nice. I liked this.

Bitter-sweet.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for the FB!!!

[peg22.livejournal.com]

hot and good and heartwrenching - please continue.
I wanna hear what happens in the swamp.

thanks for the read!

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the FB!! And I definitely plan to expand this ficlet eventually. =)

[subluxate]

Hmm. You say you'll probably rework this one? I think that's a good idea. There were a couple of typos I noticed, but overall, it feels...hollow, maybe? That's probably because, to me, the emotional part seems a little overdone, but not quite in the right way. I'm not saying it right, I know, and I'm sorry. Do you know what I mean, though? If not, I'll rethink it and try to rephrase what I mean.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

>>it feels...hollow, maybe? That's probably because, to me, the emotional part seems a little overdone, but not quite in the right way. I'm not saying it right, I know, and I'm sorry. Do you know what I mean, though?<<

That's EXACTLY it! When I was re-reading it, something about it felt off and I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out what it was.

The emotions are too hollow.

I think how you said it's overdone, but not quite in the right way - is absolutely correct. In trying to get the emotional part across, I went too far and it wound up being wrong.

Does that make sense?

Thanks for FBing me! I *knew* there was something wrong with this fic ...

[subluxate]

In trying to get the emotional part across, I went too far and it wound up being wrong.

That's it EXACTLY, and what I meant to say.

Any time, when I've got time.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Let me ask you something (that I pointed out to SP below...). If I had ended the fic at:

>>“Come on, Beej,” I said, exhaling slowly, and stood. “Let’s get you home.”<<

without adding all the emotional stuff at the end, would it have read/worked better?

[subluxate]

It would have been better, but there's still room for improvement with the body. The hollow feeling is in there earlier, too.

Some of it, I think, is almost too poetic to come from Hawkeye, and that's part of what I picked up on originally. For instance,

Holding the air in my lungs, taking in the scent of the moment and tucking it safely inside my vault of memories.

He can be poetic, in an odd way, but not like that. That's more fitting for Charles than Hawkeye.

[amberdowny.livejournal.com]

I agree with what hawkeyecat said about the hollowness. I still like this ficlet--Period of Adjustment is my all-time favorite episode--but yeah...also seems just a tad rushed at the end. This has lots and lots of potential to be very sweet and maybe even a little angsty if you expand it. Please do!

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

I told hawkeyecat that I knew something was wrong with this fic. I think I even knew it while I was in the process of writing it. I tried to force the emotional stuff and it wound up sounding both hollow and rushed. The thing is, I don't even know if I needed to include the emotional stuff.

This whole part:


>>I stretched out a hand to help him up. He grasped it and pulled himself to his feet. I turned to leave, but BJ didn’t release me. His grip tightened as his other hand found its way to my shoulder. My eyes slipped shut when I felt his warm breath brush over my ear.

“It wasn’t a mistake, Hawk.”

“I don’t …” I turned to face him, but my words were cut off by his mouth on mine.

“I’m not sure what it was, but it wasn’t a mistake.” BJ took my head in his hands and pulled me forward so our foreheads were pressed together. “We’ll talk about it in the Swamp. Figure out where we go from here.”<<


probably could have been left out and it would've worked better. *sigh* I do plan to rework it though...

[amberdowny.livejournal.com]

That part makes it happier; without it it would be left with Beej pushing Hawk away. It depends what message you want to send.

[neliana.livejournal.com]

That was very sweet. I wish the episode ended just like that ;)

Thanks for sharing!

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Thank *you* for the feedback. :)

[neliana.livejournal.com]

No problem :)