I told hawkeyecat that I knew something was wrong with this fic. I think I even knew it while I was in the process of writing it. I tried to force the emotional stuff and it wound up sounding both hollow and rushed. The thing is, I don't even know if I needed to include the emotional stuff.
This whole part:
>>I stretched out a hand to help him up. He grasped it and pulled himself to his feet. I turned to leave, but BJ didn’t release me. His grip tightened as his other hand found its way to my shoulder. My eyes slipped shut when I felt his warm breath brush over my ear.
“It wasn’t a mistake, Hawk.”
“I don’t …” I turned to face him, but my words were cut off by his mouth on mine.
“I’m not sure what it was, but it wasn’t a mistake.” BJ took my head in his hands and pulled me forward so our foreheads were pressed together. “We’ll talk about it in the Swamp. Figure out where we go from here.”<<
probably could have been left out and it would've worked better. *sigh* I do plan to rework it though...
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2006-05-10 10:46 pm (UTC)This whole part:
>>I stretched out a hand to help him up. He grasped it and pulled himself to his feet. I turned to leave, but BJ didn’t release me. His grip tightened as his other hand found its way to my shoulder. My eyes slipped shut when I felt his warm breath brush over my ear.
“It wasn’t a mistake, Hawk.”
“I don’t …” I turned to face him, but my words were cut off by his mouth on mine.
“I’m not sure what it was, but it wasn’t a mistake.” BJ took my head in his hands and pulled me forward so our foreheads were pressed together. “We’ll talk about it in the Swamp. Figure out where we go from here.”<<
probably could have been left out and it would've worked better. *sigh* I do plan to rework it though...