FIClet: Moment of Innocence (7+)

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Title: Moment of Innocence
Author: Me
Pairing: BJ/Hawkeye
Rating: 7+
Disclaimer: Nope, don’t own anything. Don’t sue … no money.
Archive: Anywhere, just let me know.
Feedback: Would be appreciated - good or bad.
Summary: Follow-up to *the scene* from Period of Adjustment - which means minor spoilers for the episode.

A/N: Answer to the 10-minute fic line ‘It started so innocently’. I’m not real thrilled about this one, and I’ll probably re-work it somehow. But here you go!


Moment of Innocence

Comments

[amberdowny.livejournal.com]

I agree with what hawkeyecat said about the hollowness. I still like this ficlet--Period of Adjustment is my all-time favorite episode--but yeah...also seems just a tad rushed at the end. This has lots and lots of potential to be very sweet and maybe even a little angsty if you expand it. Please do!

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

I told hawkeyecat that I knew something was wrong with this fic. I think I even knew it while I was in the process of writing it. I tried to force the emotional stuff and it wound up sounding both hollow and rushed. The thing is, I don't even know if I needed to include the emotional stuff.

This whole part:


>>I stretched out a hand to help him up. He grasped it and pulled himself to his feet. I turned to leave, but BJ didn’t release me. His grip tightened as his other hand found its way to my shoulder. My eyes slipped shut when I felt his warm breath brush over my ear.

“It wasn’t a mistake, Hawk.”

“I don’t …” I turned to face him, but my words were cut off by his mouth on mine.

“I’m not sure what it was, but it wasn’t a mistake.” BJ took my head in his hands and pulled me forward so our foreheads were pressed together. “We’ll talk about it in the Swamp. Figure out where we go from here.”<<


probably could have been left out and it would've worked better. *sigh* I do plan to rework it though...

[amberdowny.livejournal.com]

That part makes it happier; without it it would be left with Beej pushing Hawk away. It depends what message you want to send.