FIC: Never more than almost, Hawkeye/Mulcahy, 13+

[siggen1.livejournal.com]

Title: Never more than almost
Author: siggen1
Pairing: Hawkeye/Mulcahy
Rating: 13+
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: I don’t own M*A*S*H, obviously, since Hawkeye and Father Mulcahy didn’t get married and lived happily ever after. If you want to come after me anyway, know that all I own is a Mac and a cell phone – try to take either and you won’t know what hit you.
Author's Notes: Written for and betaed by the amazing and wonderful theprimrosepath – You’re such a creative source for me, and I’m so glad to have you as my friend. Inspired by Angels would fall by Melissa Etheridge.
Summary: Conversations never had.


You’re nervous. I don’t know why you’re so jumpy lately, but I hope someone finds a way to make you talk about it. I asked BJ, but he seemed completely thrown off just at the mention of your state of mind. Maybe that means you’re talking to him. I hope you do. At the same time, I wish… I don’t know, I guess I wish you would talk to me. It’s selfish, I know, but I would really like to be there for you, in the only way that I can. God only knows that if I could be here for you in any other way, one way in particular, I would. However, there’s too much separating us, we’ve agreed on that a long time ago. I just wish you would allow me to be here for you even now, in the one way I still can.

--

You’re worried about me. And with good reason, I might add. If I don’t get an outlet for my frustration soon, I’ll probably flatten Charles, or do something equally stupid. BJ knows. Of course BJ knows, I have to talk to someone, and I sure as hell can’t talk to you, if you knew what I was thinking you’d never be able to look at me again. I want you to think that I’m over all of this. I’m not. I think about you every night. Did I say every night? I mean every day, every night, every morning, every afternoon… I won’t let you know, because… Well, it’s just too complicated. Instead, I treat you the way I always have, never letting on that what I really want to do is grab you and kiss you. I don’t think you realize what a great kisser you are. You are, you know. I know you’re sitting in your tent right now, reading your Bible, or praying. I like to imagine that you’re thinking about me too, thinking about the kiss we shared. You probably don’t. You’ve probably prayed for God to make you forget, and considering how close you two must be, he probably did.

--

I don’t really feel guilty for falling for you. I feel guilty for the actions that lead up to it, but not for falling in love with you. If the archangel Gabriel himself could just feel one of your kisses, I think he would, too, fall. It’s probably blasphemous of me to even think this, but it’s true. If only you knew where my mind has been, you’d probably pull me close to you and…and kiss me. Kiss me like you did that night when I fell for you. It was… I’d thought I would never ever experience that kind of contact with anyone again, but your kiss was so sweet. It was…arousing. I’ll never forget how it was, how lightheaded I got when all the blood rushed away from my head. When I think of the kiss, I feel like I might die if I can’t have that again. Sometimes, in my dreams, you’re so close I can almost taste you, but never more than almost. Never more than almost.

--

I dream about you at night, did I tell you that? I dream about being close to you, holding you, kissing you, moving in you, you moving in me. I dream of debauching you thoroughly, and when I wake up, I’m rock-hard and ashamed. You’re a holy man, and I dream of holding you down and taking you. I want you, God, I want you, but I won’t touch you. I’ve promised myself as much. I couldn’t live with myself. I can’t touch you, corrupt you. I want to be your friend, and if I let myself do anything like that to you, that would just push you further away, make you feel that you need to get a transfer to get away from me. That would be worse than anything. If I can’t have you, then I want to be near you, at least. It’s probably better that way. Sometimes, when I’m dreaming, you’re so close I can almost touch you, but never more than almost. Never more than almost.

Comments

[whatho.livejournal.com]

OH MY. No, that's about it really. OH VERY MUCH MY. This is lovely. I miss this pairing really quite a lot when it isn't around, which is too often. Well done there. It's a public service really.

[siggen1.livejournal.com]

Thanks:)

You are my new best friend

[(Anonymous)]

This was wonderful. Truly wonderful. The voices were very honest-Hawkeye's guilt, but at the same time his refusal to just gloss over the more scandalous details of his thoughts, Mulcahy's willingness to feel guilt over his feelings making him possibly violate his vows, but not the feelings themselves-it was awesome. I love this pairing, and the instances of fanfiction that address it can literally be counted on fingers and toes. That said, I don't suppose you'd want to write a companion piece to this where they actually resolve this...or the prequel of the kiss that started it all...

Re: You are my new best friend

[siggen1.livejournal.com]

I will, when I get some time - probably not until Christmas. My upcoming exams unfortunately have to take precedent at the moment. Not to mention the fact that I have NO IDEA what the prequel will be like, so I need to think about it for a while.

Also, I'd love to know who my new best friend is =D

FInally: Thank you so much for commenting, that means so much to me.

Re: You are my new best friend

[(Anonymous)]

Yeah, I'm one of those horrid people who hovers on the fringes of groups, reads the fanfics, but never submits any of her own (although I DO review, so I suppose that's some penance). I, too, suffer the agony that is exams, and since I'm a college freshman, I'm still adjusting to the whole exams-are-85%-of-your-grade thing. So I completely understand. I don't actually write slash, for some odd reason (Lord knows I read enough of it, I suppose it's just the last prudishness of my childhood), although I have quite a few unpublished gen fics that my friends badger me perpetually to put on ffn. Suffice to say you are one of my very favorite slash writers in my very favorite fandom *bows*:o)