FIC: I still wish I knew

[siggen1.livejournal.com]

Title: I still wish I knew
Author: siggen1
Pairing: implied Mulcahy/Gail Harris
Rating: 13+, to be on the same side.
Warnings: It's het... If you don't like, don't read =P
Disclaimer: I own a Mac and a cell phone. Try to take either, and I'll flame you. Where was I? Oh, yeah, I don't own M*A*S*H or anything pertaining thereof.
Author’s Notes: I randomly checked mash_challenge, and caught a challenge murf1013 had posted there ages ago. The bunnies started torturing me, so I had to write this, despite the two papers for school due in respectively one and two weeks. It's incredibly short, and could (and probably will) be fleshed more out. Still, glad for all feedback!
For murf1013, I hope you aren't too upset that it isn't slash.
Summary: Father Mulcahy ponders what didn't happen.


I still wish I knew what it would have felt like to kiss you.

When you hugged me, I pushed you away, because that was the only thing I could do. God knows it took all my strength to do that, and had you persisted, I probably would have given in. I would have kissed you, and knowing myself, maybe I wouldn’t even have stopped at mere kissing. Even now my body trembles when I think about it.

I don’t know where you are. I got a letter inviting me to your graduation from medical school, but I couldn’t bear to go, couldn’t bear to let you see what has become of me. I’m turning into an old man, and the war left a solid mark on me. I’m deaf. Not hearing your voice, having to explain to you what happened. Having you look at me with a look of pity, mingled with a little admiration, like everyone else looks at me… I’m not ashamed of what and who I am, and the looks of pity don’t bother me. But with you, I’d be ashamed, and a look of pity would kill me.

I sent you a letter back, saying I was unfortunately not going to make it, but that I wished you all the best.

It must be ten years since I last saw you, but the thought of you is still enough to make my heart beat faster. Sometimes I look at the photo you sent me from the graduation – that was the last time I heard from you, and the last time you heard from me. You looked just like you did when you left Korea five years earlier, so young, so perfect. Another five years later I’m sure you’re still as beautiful.

I hope you’ve found someone to love, someone to love you, but I still wish things were different. I still wish I knew what it would have felt like to kiss you. I couldn’t, but God knows I wanted to.

Comments

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

For me? Thanks so much!!! And don't worry about it not being slash ... some of my favorite fics are non-slash. I'm a huge Trapper/Margaret shipper ... they are right behind BJ/Hawkeye :)

This was wonderful. Fr. Mulcahy is by far one of my favorite characters and you've written him so well here :) I love the fact that you've made him very human - with all the emotional baggage that most people unfortunately have to carry with them. It was nice to see that, yes, even he has some.

I'd really love to see you write more to this - but it's excellent as it is. I guess that's just me being selfish and stingy and wanting to read more fic :)

Bravo!!!

I can't wait to hear what you thought about last night's CM. I watched it when I got home from the BoDeans concert. It was late so I have to rewatch it. I may have missed some stuff due to dozing off.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Oh ... and I meant to add ... is there anything I could make for you? Icons? Banners? Name it ... and it's yours. I'm not really good at wallpapers so that's probably out.

[siggen1.livejournal.com]

Trapper/Margaret? WTF? =P (Well, what can I say, I don't particularily like either Trapper or Margaret, so...)

Glad you liked it - it's the first piece of fic I've been able to write for ages, and certainly the first piece of M*A*S*H fic I've written since... Well, since my Mulcahy/Charles ficlet which I wrote...more than a year ago. Needless to say, this feels really good.

I'm going to flesh this out, and I'll also finish another Gail/Mulcahy fic that's been a WIP for at least a year. I have lots of M*A*S*H projects going on, so provided that the godawful writer's block doesn't return, I'll be writing my keyboard to shreds over Christmas.

Oooh, let's talk Criminal Minds sometime, I just saw it and I'm brimming with opinions!

You don't have to make me anything... Um... Although... Can you write a good Charles? I'd like post-war Charles angst. If not, an angsty Charles icon, from "Foreign affairs" or GFA would be greatly appreciated.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

I'm almost positive I responded to this, but ...

>>Can you write a good Charles? I'd like post-war Charles angst. If not, an angsty Charles icon, from "Foreign affairs" or GFA would be greatly appreciated.<<

I am SOOOOOOOOO working on a post-war Charles!angst fic right now. It's about 85% finished. I've been trying to get it done, but my BJ and Hawkeye muses won't stop bugging me. They are like my children ;)

I will make some icons too ... once I get some good GFA or FA caps. I'm currently capping S4 (I've got 2 DVDs to go and I'm using Netflix which is moving too freaking slow right now!) ... so it may be a while before I get to S11. I do promise to make some though :)

[mapetitemort.livejournal.com]

Straight from the heart. I can see his fingers trembling as he wrote this. I can see him biting his nails and closing his eyes, thinking about what could have been but never was.

Brilliant stuff. I wouldn't mind seeing it fleshed more out. *applauds*