[mijmeraar] where the vapour hits the earth, pt 1 of 1, 15+

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Title: Where the vapour hits the earth.
Author: mijmeraar
Pairing: BJ/Hawkeye
Prompt:What?
Rating: 15+

There’s a place in-between here and now and you’ll never see it. You just have to pretend. It’s not at all like war, like the slow motion pierce of a bullet to the skin and the way the blood spatters on someone else, a streak across his face, a hidden wound. It’s not at all like Korea, where the birds sing up on high until the trees seem to explode and the dry, wrinkled leaves are ablaze. It’s not at all like any place because there’s no place like it. It’s not a real place and it’s a place you’ll never leave.

BJ kisses you with his eyes closed and his hand balled in your fist. You breathe into him like he’s dying but it’s more of the other, more of you needing him. You take him somewhere, anywhere, and you take it slower, slowly, and you listen to the way he says your name, the sounds that tickle from the back of his throat. You say, I didn’t learn that in the army manual and he laughs and he holds on, so as not to slide away with sex and sweat.

There’s a time, and it might have been yesterday and it could be tomorrow [but it never will be tomorrow and tomorrow keeps on coming] and it’s not like the cold, frostbite mornings. It’s not like the frozen flow of blood right through you, the rate that the confusion sets in – am I cold or am I just giving up? It’s not like the slow tick of the day and wondering if you’ll live through this one and wondering what you would trade for orange dawn. It’s not like any time and it’s with you all the time.

You rut against each other and it’s ugly and it’s the most beautiful thing in the world. Your fully clothed, layers of clothing, and you can still feel and it’s warm and it’s hot. BJ tries to kiss you but it’s clumsy and you try to kiss back but it’s no use. You’re just two bodies in the night, blood and bone and flesh and you’re not just that at all. You’re alive. It’s below zero outside of this utopia and there’s sweat across BJ’s brow and you wipe it away with your hand. You kiss.

There’s a man, and he might be you, but you can never really be sure because you’re lost down in the red, cavernous wreck of dying boys. He’s a man who knows right and wrong and yes and no and when to stop, just stop, and close his eyes. He’s a man who can see what’s best, what’s come of this, what’s hopeful. He’s a man and he’s not you, he just thinks he is, wants others to think it. He’s a man but not really because a man is only a man when he stands true to other men. And to himself.

GOODBYE is not forever, and that’s all in-between.

That’s another lie you’ll never commit to.