Depressing Hawkeye fic

[captain-lubey.livejournal.com]

I wrote this ages and ages ago when I was quite PO'd. 

The basic gist of this fic is Hawkeye has been home from the war for  few years and he hates his life. 

Nothing really original I know, but it has implied Hawkeye/Trapper! Yay!

Am I destined to be lonely for the rest of my life? Okay sure I flirted with practically every woman at the 4077^th but that wasn’t anything serious. It was just…sport I guess. 

The only one I ever truly loved (apart from Carlye) was Trapper John McIntyre. As a joke I called him ‘Big John’ when we were making love once and I got the biggest of laughs from him. God, that laugh…so light and happy and free. It makes me shudder with pleasure whenever I think of him. But naturally what we had together was just a fling to Trapper and he went home to Louise. Christ I hate that woman…ha, I’ve never even met her.

Then BJ arrived. Well what can I say? I fell for him as well but being the devoted family man that he is Beej and I never got up to anything that Trapper and I had. That just made me miss Trap even more…the treacherous bastard.

The war’s been over for five years now. Trapper and Louise have a son aptly named Henry.

BJ and Peg have twins one of whom is named after yours truly. I should be flattered but jealousy can cloud a person’s judgement.

I got the shock of my life when I was invited to Charles and Margaret’s wedding! My God, who would have thought that those two could make a life together? Last I heard Margaret was pregnant with their first child.

Klinger and Soon Lee moved back to the states last year…I haven’t heard from them since their daughter May was born.

As for Radar, he married and he and his wife Nancy are planning on having kids soon according to the last letter I received from the former corporal.

Damn it, even Frank remarried after Louise divorced him in ’55.

And what about me you ask? Well I have spent the last five years getting therapy for that little bus incident. Its working I guess…I’m not afraid of kids anymore but those nightmares can be horrific.

When I’m not in therapy I’m working at the clinic with my father thinking about Trapper. Five fucking years and with every passing day I still seem to want him more and more…so much that it hurts!

I haven’t had a date in three years and the last woman I kissed was my aunt Harriet. I’m 38 years old and I should be married with 15 kids (I’m half-Italian, we love big families).

Ending it all seems a bit drastic but I can’t think of another way to ease the pain. So I sit here in my room holding the razor which separates life from death. All it would take is for me just to slice it deep into the artery and I’d be dead in about 15 minutes from blood loss. Just one quick swipe…come on Hawk!

But I can’t do it. I drop the razor bitterly as my eyes burn with years of unshed tears.

I’m just going to have to go on living another day.

END