A-Z Ch. E

[amberdowny.livejournal.com]

Fic: A-Z
Chapter: Explanations, BJ's pov 
Author: Me
Rating: PG--PG-13ish
Summary: Hawkeye and BJ have a talk.  No, it's not slashy-slashy yet.

Explanations

I was wrong. The day hasn’t become more bewildering and tiring, it’s become horrendous and exhausting. I sigh heavily as I contemplate the ceiling of the tent. There’s a spider I’ve been watching make a web. A spider’s web is very intricate and beautiful, as nothing else is. Tonight especially, Korea is bleak and dreary.

The door to the Swamp bangs open, and the smell of alcohol reaches my nose. It’s Hawkeye then. I cock my head slightly to the left to see him. He’s not singing or staggering, so I can assume he’s not falling-down drunk.

He sits on his bunk slowly, though I don’t know if it’s because he’s drunker than I thought or if it’s because he’s afraid of what I might say. Frankly, I don’t care.

“Um…how’s Jacobs doing?” he asks cautiously.

I close my eyes. “He’s dead,” I reply, more harshly than intended.

I hear Hawkeye suck in a breath. “Jesus, I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault, was it? It was mine. I’m so goddamn sick of watching kids die and not being able to do anything about it.” I’m too tired even to be passionate.

“It…it wasn’t your fault,” Hawkeye says, for about the hundredth time today. It’s that hesitancy again that makes me open my eyes and sit up.

“Just stop it, will you?” I say tiredly.

Hawkeye winces as though I’ve yelled. “I was just trying to--”

“Not that. Stop being so hesitant.” He’s about to protest, so I continue quickly, “I don’t hate you, for god’s sake. How could I? I was just surprised.”

He stares at me. “Oh. I thought…oh.” He’s quiet for a minute, and then he says, “But Beej, it really wasn’t your fault.”

I’m relieved to hear the old familiarity again. “I’m not going to argue. I can’t deal with problems between us and problems with just me. But know that I don’t agree.”

“Yes, all right…. You look exhausted. Sleep.”

“I have post-op duty in an hour,” I protest feebly.

“I’ll cover for you,” Hawk says firmly. “Sleep.”

I lie down again and close my eyes. “Okay,” I say quietly. The cot suddenly creaks and shifts as Hawkeye sits on the end.

“Beej?” he says, a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

I open my eyes. “Yeah?”

He’s silent for a moment, then says, “Thank you for not hating me.”

I close my eyes again and mumble, “I already said, how could I?”

I fall asleep, comforted just by Hawkeye’s weight at the foot of my bed.