Dear Peggy-Jane

[hellonearth15.livejournal.com]

[title] Dear Peggy-Jane
[rating] pg-13
[characters] BJ Hunnicut, Peg Hunnicut, Hawkeye Pierce
[summary] BJ writes to Peggy after their divorce


Dear Peg,

I don’t know how to tell you this. I mean, you know of course you know. Because if you didn’t I’d have to say you were one of the stupidest people I’ve ever met, and that can’t be true because when I married you, you were ingenious.

We divorced when I got back from Korea, and you stayed in the house and I moved out to Maine with Hawkeye. And you know why, because it’s so blatantly obvious that I’m in love with him and not you that it hurts us both. Because you have to understand, Peggy, I do love you, so much it hurts sometimes, but not in that way. Not in the way that I need to spend the rest of my life with you or I’ll day, that I need to wake up every morning next to you or I might not wake up at all. Not in that way. I love Hawk in that way. I’m sorry

Not really, you’re not really sorry. You can’t even pretend to be sorry and that’s why you’re writing the letter and not calling her or something
Let me explain.

There, in Korea, there’s nothing tangible that stands between you and insanity. There’s nothing there that you can hold on to, besides pictures and memories and friendships that are being made there, but will probably be forgotten when you get back to the states. Because that was Korea and this is America and it’s like living in two different world.

What happens in Korea, stays in Korea.

So you try to make something to hold on to. You try to drink yourself into oblivion after nineteen hour shifts at the OR. Using still martinis that are so dry they still burn your throat, even though you’ve been drinking them for hours-days, months, years it doesn’t matter, everything meshes together in Korea.
You try to tell yourself that you still love your wife, even though you can’t get to sleep at night without dreaming about you bunk mate-your male bunkmate-and hoping, praying, that some how you mean as much to him and he means to you. Because he’s the only thing keeping you sane.

Hawkeye-with his funny jokes and perfectly executed pranks, and sarcasm so bitingly bitter it could make a grown man break down into racking sobs-was my only chance at sanity, my only hope. I held on to him so tightly that then, when he was almost three thousand miles away from him I couldn’t let go.

Because you love him, need him, more than you’ve ever needed anything in your life.

Life was so…rare there. Not, it wasn’t like people died all the time, we had a survivor rate of 98% and Hawkeye would probably commit suicide before he let that number drop. That’s just the way he was. He always tried to save everyone, no matter what it meant. He fought and prayed so hard I thought-sometimes, all the time, every once in a while, all the while-that he was a savior sent form Heaven. A savior sent to keep us at the 4077 sane.

A savior to keep you sane.

I…I fell in love with him Peg…I don’t know when-

“Beej?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
“Love you too.”

-but I did. And I loved him which such ferocity and passion that it was something I knew I could never, ever feel with anyone else. He understood me, Peggy, he understood me so well that we could read each other’s minds and speak each other’s words and just…he just completes me, Peggy.

So…anyway, I fell in love with him. And besides a few stolen kisses and whispered declarations of love, there was nothing that you could even consider as being unfaithful to you. I mean, there was that one time, with Donovan, but I was cheating more on Hawkeye than I was on you and Donovan, I wasn’t even in love with her, I didn’t even feel anything for her. So that’s not cheating, it’s just sex.

I got home, and I tried to be the same BJ I was before the war. I tried to be the faithful, loving husband I should have been and the loving father I was destined to be. But nothing seemed right and everything seemed broken and shattered and unfixable and it was like being in Korea all over again-

With shards of broken glass all over the place and you sitting there, trying so hard to put them back together but failing miserably. Because this war left everyone so broken and destroyed than no matter how hard you tried you could never make things perfect again.

-only Hawkeye, sanity, wasn’t there. It was…so hard, Peggy. Because I wanted everything to be perfect but it wasn’t. I felt like I was walking on glass half the time, trying so hard not to break it. Whatever ‘it’ was-

‘It’ was that fragile balance the two of you had that kept it so there were no fights and you didn’t wind up at each other’s throats.

-but you found out anyway. And we filed for divorce and you kept Erin, even though I fought for her so ferociously it was disgusting, and I moved up here, with Hawkeye.

I’m sorry, Peg, that I wasn’t the perfect husband, because you deserve the perfect husband and I’m glad you’ve found Andrew because he’ll be good for you. But I can’t go to the wedding because it would hurt too much and I’m tired of hurting-

though the pain never really stops, it’s a constant that sometimes not even Hawk can drive away-

-and everyone else will be there. So please, accept this necklace and toaster as a token of my-

love, hope, passion, need

-gratitude, for loving me all those years and trying to keep whatever we had strong.

Love always,

BJ Hunnicut