[mijmeraar], Digging Graves, Part 1 of 1, 13+

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Title: Digging graves.
Author: mijmeraar
Pairing: Peg/BJ and BJ/Hawkeye
Rating: 13+
Prompt: Death.
Warnings: mildly dark, angst-ridden.
AN: Comments/ConCrit is always welcome.

Peg’s all ramble and nonsense words, trying to find something or make something and trying to do it alone. Her fingers are clenched around her whiskey glass, desperate; perhaps afraid to drop it, perhaps afraid the broken shards might tempt her. She shakes her head and looks to her knees and mutters, words rapid like the tears streaked down her face.

“I’ve heard that it can be like a prison, BJ. You’re caught and you’re a prisoner, and you can’t just leave, you can’t just walk out, you can’t do anything you want to, right? It’s another life there, it’s another world, it’s as though this - home, peace - it isn’t real anymore, right?” Her crystal blue eyes turn on him, wide and beseeching, like a siren’s song, like a prayer:tell me this, make this true. BJ feels sick with guilt, sick into his bones, “I mean, you start living it and being it and you can’t fight it and you just have to make do and you just have to be that person and that’s all that happened, that's how it was. I know it is, I can see it, I can see how they’ve changed you, I can see how they’ve made you different.”

BJ moves to speak, to defend the truths she has distorted, the beauty beneath her horrific imaginings. He is home and in one piece and in one state of mind; and it is all thanks to his best friend, his saviour. He wants her to see that, to understand, to give him a chance to set it right. He wants her to be happy that he is here for them now, that he can do this now, that he is not the man war might have made him. He does not want to see her like this: spoiled and broken and wasted. He does not want his saving grace to be her ultimate ruin. Peg just stamps her foot, demanding higher ground, and BJ bows his head low in surrender.

“You wanted me and Erin and you wanted this. Our life. I know you did, you said you did and that’s what you do. You say and you do and you’re ours. You’re not that, you’re not him and you’re not … not his.” Her tears stain her cheeks grey and there’s a soft, quiver of her bottom lip. She’s been dealt her hand, now she’s trying to figure out how to play it, “So, that means that if I lock you up and make you fix things or build things or make you go to bed with me, make you touch me and feel me and be with me, then you will love me again? You will love me like you did before?”

BJ’s ‘I Love You’ is just a drowning figure, swallowed by the things he has done and will not do again. It’s no match for the whiskey, dry against Peg’s throat; or the empty bed, cold against her skin. It is only half of what it used to be, the rest buried deep in Hawkeye Pierce’s heart. It is a place she cannot go to, would not try, not a hope for her to steal it back.

Peg keeps what is left and pretends not to see it slowly dying.

Comments

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Ouch! Very painful. *pets Peg and BJ* Wonderful. I was just thinking yesterday that I would love to see a fic from you pop up soonly ... are you reading my mind?

This was uber-angsty and I love it! Big fan of angst here. I actually had a plot bunny come to me last night that I'm going to sit down and try to write today. Thanks for this though ... it always makes my day to see your name attached to a M*A*S*H fic :)

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Aww, I'm really flattered that you anticipate worthy fic from me. And glad to see I didn't disappoint with this one. While it's a sad component of an otherwise beautiful thing [between BJ/Hawkeye] I really like to explore it, and I like to imagine Peg's own reactions, the part she plays. Thanks, as always, for lovely comments. Good luck with your own fic!

[subluxate]

Oh, oh, >oh. It's so simple on the surface, and so painful. On the first reading, it's a conflict about BJ's affair with Hawkeye and how it affects BJ's marriage, but then, on a second reading, there's the conflict between the here and now and the past, Mill Valley and Korea. It hurts so much to read, just trying to see things from Peg's point of view.

A few things:
He wants her too see that Should be "to".
He does not want to see her like this; spoiled and broken and wasted. The semicolon should be a colon.
He does not want his saving grace, to be her ultimate ruin. You don't need the comma.
And could you change the rating to 13+? Thanks!

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what state of mind I was in when I posted that, I didn;t put the header in or anything. Sorry, and thanks for helping with all the indiscretions ;)

And, thankyouthankyou for your lovely comments. I really didn't like BJ at all when writing it, I kept seeing his character so differently as it went along. But I think it turned out well. Thanks <3<3

[neliana.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, poor Peg. I guess there must have been a period like that for them. I can't believe they just went on as before. Bj changed a lot in the time he was there and Hawk's been there for it so I guess there will always be a piece of BJ in Hawk and a piece of Bj in Peg. But who he ultimatly belongs to is up to him...

Great fic again! I enjoyed it even though it's kinda sad...

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Such a wonderful, insightful comment. Even if it wasn't a 'I love Hawkeye' incident, BJ definitely changed a great deal and had to make a lot of self discoveries. A huge issue this fic can't cover alone. I'm really glad you liked it, thank you very much =)

[neliana.livejournal.com]

You're very welcome :)