(no subject)

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

I'm really not sure where this came from. I had one or two lines scribbled for a drabble, and then I decided to stretch it out a bit.

Feedback and criticisms more than welcomed.

Title: The Sum of Us.
Author: mijmeraar
Rating: 15+
Warnings: some graphic implications.
Summary: Darker shades of people you thought you knew.

You’re dirt on the mirror, that won’t come off, that is never cleaned away because no-one wants to know. No-one wants to see you.

Radar knew and didn’t speak and Henry died anyway.

Trapper didn’t leave a note because he wasn’t in love.

Klinger wore silk and it felt like blood and it felt like freedom.

Frank wet himself during one of Hawkeye’s jokes, frozen until Hawkeye left in silence.

B.J scrawled words I am dead and Hawkeye scrubbed away the last until his skin broke.

Sometimes Charles prayed for a stutter too; slow words, slow surgery, so long surgeon.

Father Mulcahy held his breath until his eyes rolled and it felt just like playing God.

Potter drank to oblivion, sick in the corner, blaming the doctors for the empty bottle when he came to.

Margeret’s father used to hit her violent and she thanks him for her steely reserve in OR.

Hawkeye dug a hole and lay inside and asked the sky to take him.

They hated each other, small debris in a mass of destruction. They hated themselves, every prickle, and how they would never hurt quite enough.

Comments

[stillwell.livejournal.com]

I love the simple rawness of this. The format highlights it, too *

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Thank you, 'rawness' was definitely a goal for this piece.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Wow! When you say dark...you really mean dark. Yikes! I don't know if you meant for it to be depressing. If you did? You definitely succeeded.

>>They hated each other, small debris in a mass of destruction. They hated themselves, every prickle, and how they would never hurt quite enough.<<

Very powerful!

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Depressing? I don't think I set out to depress, but I suppose I definitely illustrate the depressive nature of war ... wow, that sounded wankier than I had meant it too.

Thankyou for reading and commenting, that last line was reworked a few times so I'm glad it worked out in the end :)

[subluxate]

These just beg for longer pieces to go with each line. You may have inspired me to get moving on writing here again. Favorite lines are the Mulcahy and Margaret lines. Well done, but I feel like they could have been rounded out a bit more.

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Ugh I know. It was staring at me before I posted and I thought, I really should go into this some more, shouldn't I?

But I liked it and I wanted to see if it had achieved what I was going for. You know, a couple of words for a more greater, broader array of problems. I suppose they are almost like prompts in themselves, aren't they? They could go anywhere ...

Thanks for the comment, you know I love it :)

[tekiclutch.livejournal.com]

I actually really like this... It feels like something more along the lines of fan poetry than fan fiction, which has the potential of being really innovative for a fandom like this one. I think you stepped up and owned it too, which takes guts. I love the way it turned out, but I have to ask...

Did you get the title for this from a Jurassic 5 song? ^_^;

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you, I really appreciate the comments.

While I studied it a few years back, poetry has to be my greatest weakness in writing. Though, I definitely edited it to have a specific 'beat' in a way, and tried my hardest to make each line flow smoothly on to the next. So I hope that worked.

Haha, I've only heard the term 'The Sum of Us' from the film of the same name, so nope, not from Jurassic 5 whoever they/that is.

[canpin.livejournal.com]

oo wow. i love the last three in particular. this is very dark, but very beautiful

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Thank you! MASH was very beautiful, despite the subject mater, so that was really great to hear, I appreciate it :)

[teapot-yo.livejournal.com]

oh my goodness this was so good.

Klinger wore silk and it felt like blood and it felt like freedom.

GOD. I LOVE KLINGER SO MUCH AND I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING WITH HIM. the reason, i think, is i've been trying to write that exact sentence, except that i've been trying to do it in 2000 words and you did it in thirteen. that's such a stunning way to explain away everything that he does and thinks and is and ohhh my i think i have to stop talking about the klinger line now because ummm it got to me. a lot.


Sometimes Charles prayed for a stutter too; slow words, slow surgery, so long surgeon.

Father Mulcahy held his breath until his eyes rolled and it felt just like playing God.

oh ow. i love that you took the most controlled people on the show and showed how much that works against them sometimes. auuugh you pulled this off so amazingly. it's so sparse and short but it's packed so full of meaning; it's just brimming and ohhh god i wish i could say that many things in so few words.

it's really very haunting. i know you don't want to see lmao your entire fic quoted back at you, so i'm just going to go ahead and say that the lines regarding trapper and bj just kiiiilled me. omg omg everything = yes.

i also agree with tekiclutch in that i think that this reads more like poetry than prose. and i um reeeaaally like that. i think you should become a lyricist. you could be the bernie taupin to someone else's elton john! OR if you have elton-esque talents you could be like... umm i don't know. everyone i like sucks. you could be though!

ANYWAY yes. i really enjoyed this and i just thought you should know.

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. That was just, the best comment EVAH.

No, really, thank you muchly. I'll admit, I didn't sweat over this piece. I also think hawkeyecat had a really valid point when she points out that they are so leading, and could be rounded out better. Some of them just came from scribbles.

Still, I posted it hoping that it conveyed what I was going for and then you come along [yes, you come a long la la] and comment to the dickens. And no, I do not mind having everything quoted back, I love people sharing their favourite parts. Klinger was definitely my favourite, probably followed closely by Hawkeye/B.J.

The 'poetry' concept is also really interesting. I can't say I really know anything about it, though I do remember being taught not to be restricted by too many rules so hey. There ya go. But it was definitely written to a 'tune' of sorts.

Anyway I'm crapping on. Thank you so much :)

think you should become a lyricist. you could be the bernie taupin to someone else's elton john! OR if you have elton-esque talents you could be like... umm i don't know. everyone i like sucks. you could be though!

You're mad crazy. Maaaad.

[siriusly-punk.livejournal.com]

I've read some of your old fics and fell completely and madly in love with your writing. I love this, too, and am so glad you've posted more of your stuff!

[mijmeraar.livejournal.com]

Aaah, I meant to thank you days ago and then, never got around to it. But here I am, and thank you, I love feedback and this really tops it.