mash_slash | A fic and an introduction (Reply)

Yes, um, I'm new here. I bring a fic, as a peace offering of sorts.

Title: Nothing

Summary: A bitter B.J. muses on what he wants.

Warnings: Slash, Hawkeye/Trapper, Hawkeye/B.J.

Words: 322

“Hawkeye?”

You glance up at me. “Yeah, Beej?”

And now that I’ve gotten your attention, I don’t know how to go on. What I want is for you to tell me that he means nothing, yet saying it that way is blunt, and it doesn’t fit right with me. And besides, you’d never say it, or at least say it and mean it. I can feel him, lurking, just under the surface of your thoughts, even as it’s me you’re kissing and touching. He’s here in all the little ways, as we lie together in what used to be his bunk, as moonshine drips from the still you built together, as I drink it from what used to be his glass. And even more subtle, or not as it may be, he’s here in his absence. You can’t say he means nothing, when he was the first man you loved, your first refuge in this godforsaken land, once your last thought before sleep and first upon waking (unless it was the blood and death instead) and he was the first thing you talked of when we met. Sometimes I think I hate him for being here first, and claiming your love and maybe even your heart. I hate the brown eyes I’ve never seen for being lost in the blue depths of yours before mine, hate the curls you’ve run your fingers through so many more times than my own. I hate myself too, for hating him and your ties to him, when I’m the one with a gold band on my finger, visibly tying me to another. Just as I know you can’t say he means nothing, no more can I say she means nothing. But nor do you mean nothing, and I hope that I don’t mean nothing. It’s all a tangled web, and it would help me to unravel it if you could just say that he means--

“Nothing.”