mash_slash | A Correspondence 2/?, JordanDesolated (Reply)

Hello there everyone, it's me again with another installment, finally! =) To avoid confusion, I just wanted to say that, yes, the first two letters are both from Hawkeye.

Title: A Correspondence 2/?
Author: JordanDesolated
Pairing: Hawkeye/BJ, BJ/Peg, vague Hawkeye/various females
Rating: This installment... I guess 13+ though the only inappropriate bit is quite brief.
Warnings: Allusions to sex, Hawkeye being Hawkeye.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue me.

A Correspondence

You think I don't miss you, BJ? You think that I'm not sitting here in my father's house trying to force myself to fit back into what's supposed to be my life just the same as you are? I am. I miss you. I miss Korea, Margaret, Charles, Klinger, even Radar and Frank... Henry and Trapper... Damn it, BJ, I even miss the shelling, as much as anyone can miss something they hate. I miss you.

I... I think about it too, what it could have been like between us after the war...without people bursting into the supply tent every ten minutes, or being too terrified that we might make a noise and wake Charles up to do anything properly. What it'd feel like to to kiss you without fear that each time might be the last -- that you'd die, or I'd die, or the war would end and you'd go back to them...

But that isn't anything that can happen. You did have to go back to your family in the end, and while maybe you can allow yourself the luxury of missing what we never had, with Peg to comfort you unknowingly when it gets too hard, I don't have that. So go make love to your god damned wife, and don't write me again if this is what you're going to do, BJ. I can't take it... not if I want to ever get past wishing.

-Hawkeye

I guess you already know that you shouldn't have called me like that. You scared my dad -- I finally had to lie, which you know I hate doing, and say that there was an emergency with a patient to get him to stop asking why you'd sounded so upset. Still... it almost surprised me how really, really good it was to hear your voice again.

BJ... you don't have to be afraid, alright? I'm not going anywhere. I don't have anywhere to go. It's always going to be good old Hawkeye, never settles down, never ties himself to anything for too long. Of course there are going to be women, but there were always women... I can't help if it hurts more now that we aren't together. You know we can't be, and you can't expect me to pine for you endlessly without at least a little distraction. Not that I'm admitting to pining endlessly at all, of course. Just a little pining. I'm only allowing myself an hour or two per day, tops.

Joking aside, Beej... It's like I said. You might think about me, miss me, but in the end you have Peg there with you. You have someone. I just have my father, and frankly I bet Peg's hugs are a little more comforting, not to mention nicely padded. So you have to understand why I might not want to keep missing you.

But you're right, even though there was probably a better way to convince me of that than calling across the country to tearfully proclaim your undying love for me. You're right -- it isn't something I can turn off and ignore any more than you can. So... maybe a few letters wouldn't hurt me too much, as long as you understand that I am going to be... spending time with people. You know I have that right, and, as much as I want to still talk to you, I can't have you making me feel guilty about it, BJ... I'm sorry for the way I talked about Peg in my last letter, that was out of line. I just wanted you to understand that I'm jealous too. I'd love to be the one that you... damn it, wake up next to every morning, as sappy as that sounds. I want that. But just because I can't have what I want doesn't mean I'm going to refuse what's here.

Apart from that... doing this is safe enough for me. I won't have anyone going through my mail, or peering over my shoulder while I write these letters to you. (On that note,what kinds of letters are they going to be? Because I have a few deliciously dirty words saved up for just such a special occasion...)

Sorry, I got sidetracked there for a moment. Do you remember the time Charles insisted on going to a seminar in Tokyo, and we told Radar that we were planning a surprise party for him so he'd keep anyone from interrupting us? I'm sure you do... can't have done too good a job if you've forgotten already, and from the way you moaned...

...I was supposed to actually be making a point, wasn't I? Right. Right – if this is what we're going to be doing, then what about Peg? Aren't you worried she'll find out? We were lucky that she didn't show up to hear us talking on the phone, but how long do you think can you keep this a secret? It'd be so easy for you to accidentally leave a letter open on your desk, or for her to catch you writing... If they're that kind of letter, it's going to be hard to explain why news from your old war buddy Hawkeye always makes you hard – 'I was thinking of you, honey' is only going to cut it a couple times before she gets suspicious that something else might be going on.

Seriously, BJ... is this worth it to you? I think it is, though that doesn't make much sense to me... I still don't get how you justify me, when you were so broken up after even that nothing with your nurse... it would have been a stupid thing to ask back in Korea when I needed you, but now it's important for me to know that you aren't hurting yourself too much for this. I'd be the first to admit that I'm irresistible, but... there's only so much even I'm worth putting yourself through.

- Hawkeye

Hawkeye,

I don't know how to answer your question. Why is this worth it to me? I don't know, I... I hate myself for cheating on Peg. I hate knowing how hurt she'd be if she found out. I'm terrified that she might, and that she'd leave me... that she'd try to take Erin away... They're what I stand to lose now. In Korea, as scary as the thought of being caught was, we... we would have gotten through it, you know? We would probably have had to sleep together on Potter's desk before he'd send us away, and it's possible that eve that wouldn't have done it... Frank would have thrown a fit, of course, but I think that Charles would have understood, as much as we fought with him. People liked us. You especially... I doubt there was much you couldn't have gotten away with, and even if there had been a more serious threat of dishonorable discharge, it was worth it. Because... well, like you said, we needed it. To be together like we were. It was a lot easier to justify the risk when I could actually touch you.

I guess now it's just that... god, Hawkeye, as depressing as some of the things in your letter were... you don't know how much it made me smile. To hear you joking again, sounding like you usually do instead of just yelling at me and telling me we couldn't do this... You might almost have convinced me, honestly, but... that was the Hawkeye I remembered. Hawkeye my friend, in addition to being the one who put me in those compromising situations you mentioned so kindly. You know, as I recall there were more than a few times I made you moan, too... but as enjoyable as that is to think about, it's beside the point, eh?

I'm not even sure that Peg ever made me feel the way you do, which honestly scares me... I mean, I love her. You know I do, if I didn't... well, I would stay here for Erin, but I don't know if I could stay with Peg, even if I'd be worried that leaving her would mean losing my daughter too. I'd have to... She has have a right to have a husband who really loves her. That's why I'm still her husband... I'm not convinced yet that that person can't be me.

Really... maybe you're right, Hawk. Maybe this is wrong. No, it is wrong, there's no maybe about it. Father Mulcahy, bless his heart for being accepting... even he'd say so. It's wrong -- I'm hurting my family and I'm risking both our careers, not to mention basically forcing you to do the same... not that I don't believe you want it just as badly as I do, of course, just that you wanted to stop for both our sakes, and I wouldn't let you.

But I couldn't. You make me happy. You keep me sane. You remind me of what was good about the war. Peg, she... she can only remind me of what's good about the world outside of Korea, which honestly doesn't aid help me too much, because as much as I'd like to I can't stop thinking about what it was like there. I wake up at night curled away from her, my veins filled with too much adrenaline and convinced that I still hear shellfire. You make me remember... short-sheeting Charles's bed, making fun of Frank, convincing Radar to go over Potter's head and order steaks for the mess tent... the way it felt when you'd nudge me up against a wall of the scrub room after half a day of piecing boys together and kiss me, and it wouldn't matter that you smelled like blood and sweat and antiseptic, because we were already too exhausted and all I cared was that you were there.

I don't know. It's hard, Hawkeye. I know this is dangerous, but... I think I still need you, Hawk. What we had – what we still have, it wasn't just about clinging to each other, finding solace from the war in each other's bodies. I think you know what I mean, even if I don't really know how to write it.

I do love you, Hawkeye. That's why it's worth it.

- BJ