Title: Guilt, Pairing: Sidney/Hawkeye
Sep. 15th, 2007 08:17 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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mash_slashcross posted to "dayofawesome" and my personal LJ
Title: Guilt
Author: Qzeebrella
Archive: if there will be an archive associated with dayofawesome, then yest
Fandom: M*A*S*H TV series
Category: slash
Rating: G
Pairing: Sidney Freedman/Hawkeye Pierce
Summary: A few of the reasons Sidney Freedman feels guilty.
Series: Guilt, Betrayal, Robbery, Slander, Perverse, Wicked, Willful
Disclaimer: The show and its characters belong to Larry Gelbart, 20th Television Fox, CBS and Richard Hooker. No profit is being made from this story and no infringement is intended.
Author's notes: thank you to everyone who gave me advice regarding this. I will post one fic a day, until the seventh is posted.
***
My mother used to tell me that a good Jew should question everything and yet she always reprimanded me when I questioned her. This led to a strange dichotomy within my character. One side that questioned everything and another that felt guilty for doing so. One that sought answers to unanswerable questions and solutions to unsolvable problems and another side that firmly believed there were no answers or solutions to be had. I think it was this dichotomy that led to me becoming a psychiatrist as I always wanted to understand why so many people, including myself, are divided within themselves. It was as if I was drawn towards others with the same problem and you meet a lot of them through being a psychiatrist. This is possibly also the reason I was always drawn toward Hawkeye. If I ever wanted to point to someone who was the perfect example of a person whose psyche was divided into parts that sometimes battled each other, I would point to him and then I’d point to myself.
We’re alike in many ways. Sometimes in ways that scare me and sometimes in ways that intrigue me. I’m drawn to him like a moth to a flame and I think he could be as potentially dangerous to me as that literal flame. I long to get to know him better and dread getting to know him too well. I long to hold him and am terrified of trying. I dream of kissing him, making love to him and then feel incredibly guilty for he is a devout ladies man. I come back to the compound again and again and am obsessed with trying to understand the riddle wrapped up in the enigma that Hawkeye is and yet I know I’ll never find the answer.
Perhaps that’s why I’m so drawn to this man. He’s a riddle I’ll never solve and a mystery I’ll always love learning more about. Maybe being drawn to that mystery is an essential part of being Jewish and maybe it’s just an essential part of me. All I know is that I’ll never tire of trying to find the answers to the questions Hawkeye makes me ask myself, I’ll never tire of trying to find the solution to the puzzle of what the real Hawkeye is really like.
Title: Guilt
Author: Qzeebrella
Archive: if there will be an archive associated with dayofawesome, then yest
Fandom: M*A*S*H TV series
Category: slash
Rating: G
Pairing: Sidney Freedman/Hawkeye Pierce
Summary: A few of the reasons Sidney Freedman feels guilty.
Series: Guilt, Betrayal, Robbery, Slander, Perverse, Wicked, Willful
Disclaimer: The show and its characters belong to Larry Gelbart, 20th Television Fox, CBS and Richard Hooker. No profit is being made from this story and no infringement is intended.
Author's notes: thank you to everyone who gave me advice regarding this. I will post one fic a day, until the seventh is posted.
***
My mother used to tell me that a good Jew should question everything and yet she always reprimanded me when I questioned her. This led to a strange dichotomy within my character. One side that questioned everything and another that felt guilty for doing so. One that sought answers to unanswerable questions and solutions to unsolvable problems and another side that firmly believed there were no answers or solutions to be had. I think it was this dichotomy that led to me becoming a psychiatrist as I always wanted to understand why so many people, including myself, are divided within themselves. It was as if I was drawn towards others with the same problem and you meet a lot of them through being a psychiatrist. This is possibly also the reason I was always drawn toward Hawkeye. If I ever wanted to point to someone who was the perfect example of a person whose psyche was divided into parts that sometimes battled each other, I would point to him and then I’d point to myself.
We’re alike in many ways. Sometimes in ways that scare me and sometimes in ways that intrigue me. I’m drawn to him like a moth to a flame and I think he could be as potentially dangerous to me as that literal flame. I long to get to know him better and dread getting to know him too well. I long to hold him and am terrified of trying. I dream of kissing him, making love to him and then feel incredibly guilty for he is a devout ladies man. I come back to the compound again and again and am obsessed with trying to understand the riddle wrapped up in the enigma that Hawkeye is and yet I know I’ll never find the answer.
Perhaps that’s why I’m so drawn to this man. He’s a riddle I’ll never solve and a mystery I’ll always love learning more about. Maybe being drawn to that mystery is an essential part of being Jewish and maybe it’s just an essential part of me. All I know is that I’ll never tire of trying to find the answers to the questions Hawkeye makes me ask myself, I’ll never tire of trying to find the solution to the puzzle of what the real Hawkeye is really like.
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