A Correspondence 3/?, JordanDesolated

[jordandesolated.livejournal.com]

Alright, so this one isn't quite all letters... but I am being careful not to slip just into normal form! I do hope the fact that the two people who commented on my first installment didn't comment on the second doesn't mean that their quality is dropping...

Title: A Correspondence 3/?
Author: JordanDesolated
Pairing: Hawkeye/BJ, BJ/Peg, vague Hawkeye/various females
Rating: 17+
Warnings: Allusions to sex.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue me.

A Correspondence

Beej,

You just can't resist proclaiming that undying love, can you? Alright, I get it... you're head over heels for me. I give in, I agree, we need this. You can stop trying to convince me now.

Besides... I'm damned if I don't feel the same. Not that I'm sure where that puts us, but I'll leave it to you to worry about, since I'm sure you will anyway. Just don't ask me to marry you, alright? I don't have anything suitable for such a formal occasion. Maybe Klinger would lend me that wedding dress of his... though it's Soon-Lee's now, isn't it? And she's bound to have had it taken in, so that's probably out... Peg would definitely notice something like that, anyway.

Or maybe you want to get caught? I can just imagine your expression at reading that, BJ, but hear me out. There are ways you could hide this more effectively, you know. Write in code, not openly say that you love me, avoid direct references to how much fun we had in Korea... And of course, mentioning that makes me want to drift off on a tangent again (do you remember that time by the minefield?), but I'll try to control myself this time.

Maybe, as scared as you are of losing Peg and Erin... you want her to find out so you can be with me? Or is that just what I want you to want?

I hate how confusing this is, BJ. I almost hate even hearing that you love me, that you want this as much as I do, because then I can't help but want to know why we can't be together? Most of me understands, of course, but there's this... nasty, jealous little voice in my stomach which wants me to just throw a tantrum and demand that you leave her and be mine and never even think of anyone else again.

I should have just stuck to what I said before and left it to you. We went through all of this, these last few months, just to figure out what we're allowed to say... and now I almost wish that this wasn't allowed, that I could shut up and stop thinking and wanting... but really I just wish that you were here to kiss me, because as hard as it was back then, things were so much simpler.

Damn it. Now I'm being the sentimental one.

Should I come visit you? Maybe it'd clear things up... I'm probably just using that as an excuse, what are the chances that we wouldn't just have sex the whole time? But I certainly wouldn't say no to that, either, it's just harder to justify... My father would be fine for a few days by himself, and the practice hasn't caught up enough that I couldn't take off... I know it'd be hard to navigate with the family, but you could say that you had to go to a conference or something, couldn't you? Catch up on the modern medicine you missed? I don't doubt that you'll feel awful lying to Peg, and I don't like asking you to since she's sure to be upset, especially if she's still been clamoring to spend every minute with you like you said she was in the beginning, but... I want to see you. I miss your voice. How you taste and smell, and how you feel... I even miss the way that stupid mustache of yours prickled. Does Peg complain about it? You haven't gotten rid of it, have you? I know I always teased you about it, and I still don't for a minute regret shaving it off with Charles that one time, but I'd hate to think that you'd started to change again for her... I sound possessive, don't I? After all that complaining I did to you about being allowed to mess around with women over here...

Could you imagine me getting married? I don't ask that with someone in mind, of course. I honestly haven't even slept with the girl I mentioned before yet, even though I'm sure she wants to – who wouldn't, right Beej? -- but, just... could you see me doing that? Settling down? I know I basically promised you before that it wasn't going to happen, and I can't imagine how it could, but...

God, how depressing, BJ, if you're all there is for me, when I can't even see you and let this be properly unrequited.

I don't want to come visit you. I know that that's a lie, but I'm being stupid asking you to let me. I do miss you, and I know you'd jump at the chance to see me – maybe I am right about you wanting to be caught, eh? – but I should still concentrate on what's here. What I can have. And just the same, have what I can have with you, if that makes any sense. This is what's left, and this is all.

- Hawkeye

 

 

Are you alright, Hawk? Maybe that's a stupid question, but you're scaring me a little. Damn it, I don't have time to write now. Erin's sick and Peg really needs a break, but I just wanted to get something sent out – Hawkeye, if you want to come out here and visit, we'll make it work. If you want me to go down there, we'd make that work too. You're right, Peg won't like it, but I'll make her understand. Just say the word.

Love,

BJ

 

There aren't words at first because there don't need to be. BJ's lips are sticky and he tastes like the tomato juice he must have drunk on the plane but his mustache does still tickle so Hawkeye doesn't care. They kiss as if no one is watching and barely part until they're in Hawkeye's car, and even then only so that they can make it back to a hotel they've chosen just outside of town without robbing Erin of her father and Crabapple Cove of its most talented doctor. BJ falls asleep on the way, and Hawkeye can barely keep his eyes on the road for watching him and smiling like an idiot.

 

“BJ?”

“...Hmm?”

“You're awake.”

“Well, yeah, now. Having my pillow rudely pulled out from under me generally does that..”

“I'll point out that your pillow is also my body.”

“Is that a problem?”

“Well... no, not really. So hey, I know it was a long flight, but now that we're both awake...”

“Hawkeye?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you wish you hadn't called me? That woman you were talking about --”

“No. She's nothing. She was never anything.”

“I know, but...”

“I don't regret it, BJ. And I'd regret it even less if you'd-- Oh, you read my mind. Yeah. Yeah, just like that.”

“...When does this get easier, Hawkeye?”

“Easier? I could have slept with four women in the time I took to prepare you for that – Ow!”

“No, you idiot. Stop making me laugh when I'm trying to be serious.”

“Okay then. Shoot.”

“Hawk, what are you – mm... Mm, Hawk... That really doesn't... help, you know.”

“Would I be doing it if I thought it did?”

“Come on, I'm serious, Hawk, I – oh. Oh... god, I missed your mouth...”

“It doesn't get easier.”

“What?”

“What you asked before.”

“Do you honestly expect me to remember what we were talking about after that?”

“I'm flattered, BJ, I really am, but you did say that it was important.”

“Oh, alright... easier. Us. Right.”

“It doesn't.”

“So you said...”

“It's hard. Yeah, that's a bad thing, but we don't need to focus on it right now, do we? I know it's worse for you, with Peg and all, but -- ”

“It's worse for you, Hawk. I hate that it's worse for you. You're all alone down here and--”

“Oh, shut up, BJ, do you really believe that's what I want to think about when I have you in bed with me?”

“You're going to have to think about it eventually, you were writing about it enough-- damn it, Hawkeye, you can't just kiss me there and expect me to -- ... yeah, alright, the hand's persuasion enough. Get over here.”

“I can't leave her.”

“... I never asked you to, BJ.”

“I know. I'm reminding myself... I can't leave her.”

“You almost sound like you want to.”

“No. No, Hawkeye, I just...If I could...”

“...Come on, Beej, it's okay. I don't want you to go home either. But you're here now, so can't you just let me make the most of it?"

“...I love you. You know that, right?”

“Beej...”

“Please, Hawkeye.”

“Yes. Yes, I know. I love you too.”

 

My Hawkeye,

Peg's not letting me out of her sight long enough to really write you, Hawk, I just wanted to tell you that my flight went fine... some idiot with a seafood allergy threw up on me, but even that wasn't the low point of the experience. I miss you already. Write me immediately, alright?

- BJ