X-Rated - Part 1 (M)

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Title: X-Rated - Part 1
Author: Me
Pairing: None ... yet.
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Nope, don’t own anything. Don’t sue ... no money.
Archive: Anywhere, just let me know.
Feedback: Would be appreciated - good or bad
Summary: Hawkeye and Trapper get a new roommate ... Let the jocularity begin!

Warning: Somewhat AU and possibly OOC - please don’t read if you don’t like that kind of thing. I have tried very hard to keep them as IC as I possibly could, though. This fic was written with tongue in cheek and should be taken as such.

A/N: The following changes to canon have been adjusted specifically for the purposes of this fic:

1) Trapper is not discharged.
2) Frank...is.
3) Since Trapper is still with the 4077th, Hawkeye doesn’t go running off to catch him, and thus does not pick up BJ and bring him back to camp.


X-Rated - Part 1

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

I liked it. I read the original, when hawkeye was picking up bj and all that (man, that was a few weeks ago, wasn't it?) and this is better and really good.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Thank you. About the earlier version...the crit I got definitely made me change the beginning and I think it is much better than the original. When I reread it, I was like "uh, no way. that would never happen."

Thanks again.

[amberdowny.livejournal.com]

uh...that anonymous post was me, btw. Sorry about that.

Anyway, I kinda liked the original, despite the fact that it was OOC. *shrugs* I dunno...I kinda feel like hardly anyone ever gets the characters 100% IC. I certainly never do.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

(I thought it might have been you ;) I think you FBed me once before like that and put "this is secret_plasures by the way...too lazy to log in")

:D :D :D :D

And I agree about no one ever being able to get a character completely IC. I figure the only people who could do that, would be the original writers/actors from the actual show.

I also don't know that there's anything necessarily *wrong* with a character straying from being IC in a fanfic. After all, any deviation from the canon of the show (i.e., any of these people becoming gay lovers...) would be slightly OOC.

[janecarnall.livejournal.com]

Do you want comments? I'm afraid they will be somewhat critical, but I do appreciate the fact that you put this story back up after all this - I think that was the right thing to do and I'm impressed that you did it. So I do feel like you deserve a proper response to this story, but it's not going to be totally positive and, if you'd rather not, I'll leave it as: thank you for putting the story back up on mash_slash, and I'm glad the kerfuffle's over.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Yes, I do want comments. I don't mind if people are critical, because if no one ever pointed out what was wrong in a story...no one would get better. And believe me...I *know* this story has some problems.

The only thing I took issue with before was that I felt people were being overly harsh with me. Especially because I just started writing, and MASH is definitely a difficult show to write for. And...this story was written for fun and tongue-in-cheek. Keep that in mind as well.

Also? I am more than willing to make changes to this story to make it more IC and less AU. I don't want Hawkeye to be totally un-Hawkeye. Or BJ or Trapper. (I'm not good at Trapper though...haven't seen his eps enough.)

Anyway, I'd love to hear your comments. And I'm assuming that since you said "won't be *totally* positive" that you did find something redeeming in the story. So, please, comment.

[janecarnall.livejournal.com]

The first principle of writing a good AU is to be very clear about what you are changing from canon... and to make sure what you're not changing is stringently canonical. You want the story to be seen as an AU to the show, not as a story of totally different people with the same names who also happen to be in Korea.

Here's what you changed, just as a quick summary:

1. Trapper isn't sent home at the end of third season.
2. Frank has his breakdown at the end of third season instead of the end of fifth season.
3. BJ is as cheerfully unfaithful to his wife as Trapper is...
4. ...and this bothers Hawkeye right from the get-go.

The first change isn't particularly significant. Trapper's being sent home came out of a blue sky: he can not be sent home just as easily.

The second change is big. Frank Burn's breakdown was choreographed over the whole of the fifth season, the final trigger when Margaret finally left: if he broke down earlier, why? What happened to him? Or to Margaret? You choose to focus so tightly on the Swamp denizens that we don't even know whether Blake or Potter is commanding the 4077th, but we need some kind of explanation why Frank left. Even if it's just a sentence or two.

The third change is also pretty damn big. There's nothing to say BJ couldn't be the kind of person who looks on Korea as the perfect opportunity to get laid - in fact, he's pretty much characterised in your story as a gay guy who's finally got the chance to come out - but if this is the AU you're writing, if you're going to have BJ be a different person from the BJ who angsts if he feels emotionally unfaithful to Peg, let alone actually has sex with someone who isn't Peg - then you really do need to focus in and explain this change.

Four: why does Hawkeye care? He barely knows BJ. He's never shown any signs of caring that Trapper and Frank are unfaithful to their wives: why would he care that BJ plans to be, especially when Hawkeye is himself so attracted?

You've got Hawkeye thinking that BJ is "fiercely faithful" to his wife: yet you've also got BJ looking Hawkeye over, making clear he's attracted, and acting on that attraction. You've never shown any intervening scene where BJ is attracted and resists.

You've got Hawkeye thinking: Trapper is hard core and rough. Aggressive. He’s hot-headed and impatient. He takes what he wants, when he wants it. I know BJ is anything but those things. He’s tender and gentle. Non-confrontational. BJ’s a giver, not a taker. but you've never shown any instance of Trapper being hard-core/aggressive, or BJ being tender and gentle.

What were you trying to accomplish? What story were you wanting to tell that made it essential for it to be this AU, with Trapper there but Frank gone?

If it was to have a BJ/Trapper/Hawkeye threesome, well, then Trapper just should not have gone up the line: there needed to be a threesome.

If you just liked the idea of having Hawkeye and BJ and Trapper interacting, then you need to think up a plot (or borrow a fourth-season one) and show how it would work with the three of them there. BJ's a rotten practical joker, remember: would he and Trapper bond over that? Would Hawkeye ever be able to trust anything in the tent again? Where is Margaret? Why did Frank have a breakdown? Who is the commanding officer? How would Trapper interact with Potter, or BJ with Henry Blake? What would the episode "The Late Captain Pierce" have been like if Trapper had been there? (Or "The More I See You"? or "Deluge"?)

If you wanted to get Hawkeye and BJ into bed together, then either you need to work out why BJ is so unangsty about being unfaithful to Peg, or else you need to have angst. Hawkeye won't be angsty about it - why should he be? Only if he sees it's genuinely causing BJ pain is there any reason for Hawkeye to care at all, and you just haven't shown that BJ is in pain over his decision to have sex with Hawkeye.

[janecarnall.livejournal.com]

Now, that all out of the way... it's a competently written story. The dialogue isn't terribly authentic (though I did like the line "I scream like a girl when I come" - that's Hawkeye) - it sounds like you need to listen to a lot more episodes to get their voices in your head. The spelling, sentences, and paragraphs are all okay: the main problem is that it's a AU without, apparently, much of a purpose for being an AU.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

>>Now, that all out of the way... it's a competently written story.<<

Thank you.

>>The dialogue isn't terribly authentic (though I did like the line "I scream like a girl when I come" - that's Hawkeye) - it sounds like you need to listen to a lot more episodes to get their voices in your head.<<

Like I've said before...I don't have Trapper in my head. I just can't get him to speak to me. I've tried and tried. I just can't. His epis are on Hallmark right now and even after watching them...he. won't. talk. to. me! Damn him! ;)

The problem I have with Hawkeye and BJ is that, in my head, they sound very similar. They have the same cadance and way of speaking. When I'm watching them, I feel like their dialogue can be switched and it wouldn't change much. Maybe it's just me. I don't know.

>>the main problem is that it's a AU without, apparently, much of a purpose for being an AU.<<

And actually, to be perfectly truthful, that's almost the whole point of the story. My main objective was to get these three together. It was just supposed to be a funny fic. I didn't have any plans beyond that. BUT...now I actually plan to try and get it to be as IC as I can. I can't promise to make it more non-AU, but I'm definitely going to work on the characters. I don't want this to be a story that when someone reads it, they only know who's talking because I *say* that's who's talking.

I also plan to print up both of your comments and use them as a guide for this. The Frank stuff is very easy to fix. So that will be done pronto. The other stuff...still workin' on that.

Thanks again!

[janecarnall.livejournal.com]

My main objective was to get these three together. It was just supposed to be a funny fic.

Oh well. It falls over twice, I'm afraid: it's not a very good AU, and it's not a very funny story. :-( Really, writing a good AU is hard, and writing a funny story is likewise hard. Because, as Asimov famously said, you can aim at being informative and be a little bit informative, and you can aim at being entertaining and be a little bit entertaining, but when it comes to humour, you're either funny or you're not: it's a target that's all bullseye. If you miss the bullseye, you're not "a little bit funny", you're just not funny, and it's especially difficult in writing M*A*S*H when you haven't yet got any of the character's "voices" quite right yet. (Hawkeye nearest, but do correct the spelling of "cum" to "come".)

What I mean is: I think you were overly ambitious. You knew you couldn't write Trapper, and you half-knew you couldn't write BJ, and yet you aimed at writing an AU, which is a kind of fanfic that requires meticulous ability to render canon in areas of the show you're not changing.

Figure to yourself that the next story you write will be better. And avoid trying to write Trapper till you can get his "voice" right... :-)

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your comments.

>>2. Frank has his breakdown at the end of third season instead of the end of fifth season<<

>>The second change is big. Frank Burn's breakdown was choreographed over the whole of the fifth season, the final trigger when Margaret finally left: if he broke down earlier, why? What happened to him? Or to Margaret? You choose to focus so tightly on the Swamp denizens that we don't even know whether Blake or Potter is commanding the 4077th, but we need some kind of explanation why Frank left. Even if it's just a sentence or two.<<

This is actually something I thought about and struggled with...and still am struggling with. And actually, I do say that Potter is CO later in the fic. So, yes, I basically moved canon up about 2 seasons. I do realize that I have to address Frank and his crack up. Thank you for that.

>>I'm not going to actually quote you here...it would be too long :) But regarding BJ's feelings/guilt, etc.<<

That exact thing will be addressed later in the fic. I actually do have a direction there, believe it or not. It's just in the process of being written (and re-written!) and beta-ed. The same thing goes for the Hawkeye stuff...being concerned about BJ's reasonings, etc.

>>If you wanted to get Hawkeye and BJ into bed together, then either you need to work out why BJ is so unangsty about being unfaithful to Peg, or else you need to have angst. Hawkeye won't be angsty about it - why should he be? Only if he sees it's genuinely causing BJ pain is there any reason for Hawkeye to care at all, and you just haven't shown that BJ is in pain over his decision to have sex with Hawkeye.<<

Again, this is being addressed in a later part of the fic. I actually discussed this very thing with my betas while the whole ruckus was going on over the past few days.

>>If you just liked the idea of having Hawkeye and BJ and Trapper interacting, then you need to think up a plot (or borrow a fourth-season one) and show how it would work with the three of them there.<<

Unfortunately, the actual plot won't be known until the very end of the fic...sorry. It's kind of a twist.

Thank you so much for posting this!!! I really appreciate it. I've been waiting for it, actually :)

[gal-montag.livejournal.com]

Well, it's not as OOC as I was lead to believe, the most glairing thing was that BJ is, canonically, intensely faithful to his wife and it seems unlikely that he'd get into an extramarital relationship without some depth of feeling involved.

The one thing that really sticks out at me about this story as far as the action goes is this: given the era and the environment, it seems that Hawkeye would be way more secretive about any homosexual relationship he was invovlved in. Because they were in the army, it would certainly mean dishonorable discharge, which doesn't seem necessarily like a bad thing on it's face, however the circumstance of the dischanrge would follow them. It could make things difficult when they got back to The World. And back then, Homosexuality was still considered a psychiatric disorder, I don't know if they could have been committed for it against their will, but it's a possibility.

[murf1013.livejournal.com]

>>Well, it's not as OOC as I was lead to believe<<

Thanks for this. It's nice to see that someone realizes that I wasn't heading into complete OOCness with this fic. :)

>>the most glairing thing was that BJ is, canonically, intensely faithful to his wife and it seems unlikely that he'd get into an extramarital relationship without some depth of feeling involved.<<

This is actually being addressed in either the 2nd or 3rd (yes, it's now gotten too long to be only 2 parts!). Some of it has already been written.

>>The one thing that really sticks out at me about this story as far as the action goes is this: given the era and the environment, it seems that Hawkeye would be way more secretive about any homosexual relationship he was invovlved in.<<

I agree...and it's exactly why I'm still considering this part (even though it's been posted) a complete "WIP". Thank you for pointing this out to me.

And thanks for your FB!!!