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[lilmissfury.livejournal.com]

This is actually the first in my The Things I Didn't Say series.

Title: What I Meant To Say
Author: LilMissFury (Liz)
Disclaimer: I don't own these people I just play around with their lives.
Summery: Trapper thinks about the things he wishes he could've told Hawkeye before he left Korea
Author's Notes: As always this fic is dedicated to HawkeyeCat, my beta in crime who made sure this fic was decent.




I sit here on a plane watching the ground under me. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I landed in this godforsaken place. Why do I feel so damned bad then? I mean I’ve been praying for this moment.

Okay, so I know why I feel so bad. I left without telling him goodbye; I should’ve waited, taken the next flight out. Said the things now I wish I would’ve said, there’s so many of them.

I wish I’d told him that even on his bad days, he made Korea bearable for me, that I would’ve gone insane without him there. He was my anchor to the real world without even knowing it.

I wish I’d told him that sometimes when nights in surgery were long, and tempers were short, he had the ability to calm the hottest of tempers with a single, ice blue look.

As we pull away from land, and over the ocean I’m reminded of Hawk’s eyes. You know his father really did give him the perfect nickname; he can spot a fly landing on an instrument…a mile away. I kinda wish I’d said that too you know?

I kinda wish I could’ve told him that on those nights when he didn’t think I knew he was watching me while I slept, I knew – no I relished the fact that I could inspire such devotion from such a strong man.

I wish, I could’ve told Hawk that he was much more than my partner in crime. He was my best friend, my ally, and sometimes my shelter against the storm. There were times when I thought he was everything except my lover.

I wish I could’ve asked him, to be my lover. I never asked, he never offered, it became this giant gap between us that could never ever be breached.

I wish I’d told him he was going to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. That late at night when I was curled up next to Louise, I wouldn’t be dreaming of some other woman- I would be dreaming of him.

I wish I could’ve told him I love him. Not as a brother, or even a friend. I love him as a man should really only love a woman, with all the passion, pain, comfort, and hurt that goes along with that sort of love.

But the thing I wish I could’ve told him most is really a very common word. Something, people tell one another every day, something they take for granted. I wish I could have told him goodbye. Just a simple goodbye.

***



Crossposted to HawkeyeIsBi and my personal journal