FIC: Don't Tell Hawkeye

[nentari.livejournal.com]

Greetings!
New member here. I've been around for a while, but for some reason I can't explain, I only joined today.
Anyway, I offer you a silly little fic I wrote yesterday. I hope you like it :)


Title: Don't Tell Hawkeye (Part 1 of 1)
Author: nentari
Pairing: references to Trapper/Margaret, Margaret/Frank, Margaret/Donald and... something else :)
Rating: 7+
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Don't sue. Please. *makes puppy dog eyes*
Feedback: Would be highly appreciated.
Spoilers: Set during The Joker is Wild; contains references to seasons 5 and 6
Summary: BJ and Margaret are celebrating BJ's latest prank.
A/N: I don't know who I love more, drunk!BJ or drunk!Margaret... Just for a laugh, I decided to put them in the same room and see what would happen. This is the first time I write BJ, and I'm not very confident about how he turned out... Let's hope he sounds realistic enough.




"You're a genius, BJ."

"No, I'm not."

"Ye... yessir, you are. You are a genius. A genius is what you are."

"Margaret..."

"Yes, genius?"

"You're drunk."

"No, I'm drunk."

"Oh. I stand corrected."

"And you know something?"

"What?"

"You're drunk too."

"Really?" He smiles. "Well, I drink to that."

"Here, here."

BJ raises his glass. "To me."

"To the greatest practical joke ever."

"Greater than any joke ever pulled by Trapper McIntyre... John... er, something I can't remember."

"To Hawkeye."

"To your bottomless robe."

"Where's Hawkeye, by the way?"

BJ giggles. Margaret is confused.

"What? What?" she asks.

"He's trying to get some sleep."

"And?"

"He's trying to get some sleep... outside... with barbed wire all over his bed!"

They both burst out laughing.

"You're a genius."

"You've said that already, Marg... Marg... Garbareth."

"That's me - Majun Garbareth Gulliphan."

BJ laughs.

"What's so funny?" she asks.

"You know... I have no idea." They both laugh.

"You know what's the best thing about your joke?"

"What?"

"The way Hawkeye is all pana..." She pauses, trying to think of the right word. "Panadroid... No, that's not it."

"Think Frank Burns."

"Paranoid."

"That's it."

"Thank you."

More laughs.

"JB?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Really really sure?"

"Really really."

"Why should I trust you?"

"Cuz... I dunno why. But trust me you can trust me."

"Okay then... but not a word to Pierce on what I'm about to tell you."

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"I really miss Trapper."

"But you said it was the greatest -"

"Not that. I really miss him."

"Miss him as in... miss him?"

"As in..." She pauses, trying to think of a way to describe it. "Let's say he was here with us, drinking and making fun of Pierce."

"Yeah."

"If he was to give me that crooked smile of his..."

"Yeah, yeah."

"The way I'm feeling right now, if he was to do that I'd grab him by the throat, throw him to that table over there..."

She pauses and looks at BJ, trying to see if he gets her hint. Alas, it is not the case.

"And?" he asks.

"Well, let's just say you'd have something really interesting to write about in your next letter to Peg." She laughs.

"Oh." Pause. "Trapper?"

"Yeah."

"Trapper John."

"Yeah."

"Trapper John McIntyre?"

"That's him."

"The man you called a ridiculous juvenile child?"

"I did?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he was that. But you wanna know something, Hunny... cut? Hunnicutt?"

"What?"

"He was also the best kisser I have ever met."

"You kissed Trapper?"

"Once. No, twice. Oh, what the hell. We kissed a helluva lot of times."

"Really?"

"But don't tell Hawkeye."

"I told you I won't."

"Cuz the last thing I want..."

"Yeah?"

"The last thing in the world I want..."

"What?"

"Is to see that stupid grin of his again."

"What grin?"

"The grin Pierce had on that stupid face every time he caught us." She rolls her eyes. "He'd grin and make jokes and I just wanted to knock his teeth out. Especially that time he and Frank caught us in the supply room."

"The supply room?"

"Nothing happened!"

"I believe you, Margaret."

"Oh." She looks at him, surprised. "You do?"

BJ shakes his head. "No." He giggles.

"Well, nothing happened. But Hawkeye and Frank didn't think so. Hawkeye loved it."

"Yeah?"

"To this day, he still talks about it. Right before I slug him."

For a while, neither of them says anything. BJ stares intently at Margaret, who suddenly seems very interested in the bottom of her glass. Then, she raises her eyes and looks at him.

"But you know something?"

"What?"

"Remember... Not a word to Hawkeye."

"I told you..."

"Okay, then... Nothing happened then... nor in any other time he thinks things happened. Well, there's been kissing but that's all, and usually that was because one of us was drunk. At least that's what I'll say to anyone who asks. Nothing happened when he thinks it happened but it didn't. Not then. But it did, but that's when he wasn't here so he doesn't have a clue that it only happened when he doesn't know it happened, rather than when he thinks it happened which is when it didn't."

"Mar... Margret, you're making me dizzy."

"Oh. Sorry."

"So, when did it happen and what is 'it'?"

"Oh. That's the big 'it'."

"Uh, you mean the..."

"Yeah, the..."

"Right. So, when was that?"

"Right before he left."

"Oh."

"And you came along."

"Oh."

"But I don't hold it against you."

"Thank you."

"I love you, BJ."

"That's good to know."

"As a friend, mind you."

"Peg will be happy to hear it."

"And don't tell Hawkeye."

"Okay."

"And you know something?"

"What?"

"It was wonderful."

"Really?"

"And I cried and cried... and cried and cried and cried."

"Why?"

"Cuz by then it was too fucking late. I chose Frank when I could have had Trapper and then time went on and when... you know... he was just about to go home, back to his wife and his kids and I never saw him again." She starts to cry. BJ puts his arms around her.

"Shh... Margaret, don't think about it."

With her voice still tearful, she continues. "And you know what's worse?"

"What?"

"Donald."

"What about Donald?"

"When I fell for him, I thought he was like an improved version of Trapper. The athletic figure and the good looks, but with a mitilary... I mean, a military background and without that fucking cockiness. Instead, I got Frank Burns with muscles. No, no, even Frank sounds nice next to Donald."

BJ shudders. "That is the most depressing thing I've ever heard."

Margaret shakes her head. "God, I need another drink."

"I'll drink with ya."

Pause.

"BJ?"

"Hmm?"

"You shocked?"

"Bout what?"

"You know... that thing you're not supposed to tell Hawkeye."

"Actually, I'm very relieved."

"Why?"

He thinks about it, but eventually shakes his head. "Nevermind."

"No, tell me."

He smiles. "Maybe when we're both even more bombed than we are now." He reaches for the bottle. "Another?"

"Nah, I think I better stop."

"You're serious?"

"Yeah. Tomorrow's the big day, isn't it?"

"Big day for what?"

"You know... Pants down, Cole Porter?"

"Oh," he chuckles. "That big day."

"Wanna grab some coffee?"

"You sure you got the stomach for it?"

"Put some powdered eggs on it and it'll go down smoothly."

"Ugh."

"Either that, or a shower."

"Okay, I'll join ya."

"As friends."

"Of course. Clothes on. We'll just get wet enough to sober up a little."

"And later..."

"Yeah?"

"Let's go check on Mr. Barbed Wire for a laugh."